I know that you may have trouble moving with confidence in the real world whereas you feel so much comfortable and so much confident when you are behind your screens. So the more time you spend behind the laptop or smartphone screens, the less confident you become in the real world. And that can cause a lot of problems in relationships, especially romantic relationships. One of the issues that I have seen with people who feel that they are not attractive as other guys tend to fill the playing field by giving something. Suppose you are a guy and you feel you are unattractive as compared to other dudes in your college or university, you tend to make up a story in your mind, your crush will reject you if you ask her directly, so instead you try to be friendly. You start hanging out with her, you start doing stuff for her, like if she needs a ride because it is raining, you give her a ride. When she has trouble studying for things, you tutor her, you buy her meals, you start to be like this very nice guy.
You start to do things because you are not confident enough to ask her out.
And all the while in your mind, this is towards the goal of getting her to like you. And you are investing all of this stuff into your relationships with the hope that you can get something out of it. And so the help that you give her, the kind of kindness that you show her has this ulterior motive. And if you are honest about yourself, you will see, that is the case, getting something back. And what happens then?
She ends up dating someone else and you resent that guy, right? And then she calls you up one right and she is like,” The guy that I am dating is such an asshole!”and then you listen to her talk about her boyfriend problems and this thought pops up in your mind,” Well all of those things that are wrong with him, are right with me. I wouldn’t treat you like that. I treat you like gold. I respect you.” And you start to think that how can she not see that I am the perfect person and I do all this stuff for her and her asshole boyfriend doesn’t. And so then what happens is, at some point, all of the stuff that you have invested in the relationship and everything that you have kind of put into this relationship, all of the sacrifices that you have made for her, are kind of building up, building up, building up and then you want something in return. And then what happens is that you ask her out, right? Finally, like, you have reached this point where you can’t take anything more, you ask her out and when she says,” No, I think of you like a friend. Right! That’s the line. I think of you as a friend.” And this pisses you off the most and eats the shit out of you, right? Because you have been friendzoned and you hate that and why is that so resentful?
It’s because you never wanted to be friend zoned and you invested so much into this relationship because you were afraid that she would turn you down if you asked in the beginning and then you invest all this time, this effort and this money into getting her to like you and then she rejects you and that rejection is so much more painful because you have invested so much. You spent the last year of your life taking care of this girl and she turns you down and that makes you really, really angry, hurts your self-confidence, causes a lot of guys like you to become resentful towards women and causes a lot of toxicity that we see online.
And that toxicity, that hatred of women comes from a sense of betrayal, a sense of regret and a sense of investment that you have lost. And that is really really toxic and is really dangerous. And the worst thing about that is, after this happens to you one time, you feel less confident in yourself and it becomes harder to ask out the next girl. So then what happens is, you repeat the whole pattern whereas before, she had a 20% chance of saying yes if you asked her out, now the next girl has a 10% chance of saying yes because you have already been rejected once. And not only were you rejected, you got rejected after you did so much for that girl.
So the second time you are around. You are like,” Ok, now I have to do even more to get her like me.” And the second time around, you invest even more. And what you guys do is like buy her flowers for Valentine’s Day as a friend and when her boyfriend dumps her and stands her up, you are then the knight in shining armour and you do everything for her. And so you invest and invest and invest in this relationship. But you are investing in it in sort of this idea of her being your girlfriend but you don’t make that clear to her and she kind of thinks of you as a friend because you didn’t ask her out in the beginning., right? You are just this nice guy and you want her to see your value and so that’s really dangerous because you have to be careful about whether you are someone who gives to get. And if you are giving to get something in return, chances are that it is gonna end poorly and you are going to resent that person for it. Because in the sense, they don’t know what you are doing, right? They just think you are a nice guy and that doesn’t entitle you to anything but it makes you feel entitled because in your mind, it’s an investment and you are looking for a return. If you are doing something out of the kindness of your heart, that’s fine. So one of the dangerous patterns you can fall into is this pattern of giving to get and taking a look at your interactions with women and seeing if that’s actually what you do.
Why are you so nice to them to begin with?
Why do you buy them dinner and buy them gifts and spend so much time finding this perfect piece of jewellery for a female friend of yours?
Because you have got feelings for her. If you have feelings for her, why don’t you ask her out? It’s because you are terrified she is going to say no. And since you are terrified, you invest all this stiff which then leads to regret and hatred over time. The more that this happens and I have seen this happen for many like you, several times. Each time it happens, it gets a little bit worse, a little bit worse and a little bit worse and then it is really catastrophic.
So one of the things that you have to understand about relationships is be honest with yourself about the way that you feel towards another person and be honest with them and do it from the get-go. And if they are going to reject you, they may reject you and that is okay. But the chances that you invest something in that and magically they are gonna wake up one day and love you, is actually really small, although you can increase the chances by accessing the deities, which is not our topic of discussion for this post. And I know, it is painful to think about, but see, if you fall into this pattern. Are you someone who gives to get? If you are that, does that have to do with confidence? And if it does have to do with confidence, the solution is not to give more, the solution is to work on your confidence. And in the next post, I will be talking about how to do that.
You deserve better.
Take care
Your Pal
Paul
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